my angel in pink

if anybody claims to really know me, they'd also know that i've always wanted a family. i started being baby hungry at 16 and have wanted one of my own ever since. of course i always knew that marriage would come first and such, but i was so excited to have a mini me! plus, being the oldest of 7 kids and always caring for babies and helping them learn and grow... it's an amazing feeling. i wanted that.

you hear about those girls who get pregnant too early in life and you feel so sad for them. you also say to yourself "that will never be me". well, i used to be one of those people. i had a plan for my life. i was going to go to college, get married and then start having beautiful babies. but life doesn't go as planned...

to make a long story short, after i broke up with my ex fiance, i went a little crazy. i did things i'm definitely not proud of. i wasn't protecting myself. and this is what happened...

when i saw this, i was in shock... i didn't know what to do. questions that didn't have answers came flooding into my mind like a rockslide. i was horrified, worried, sad, scared and just mad at myself for allowing myself to get this way. what was i going to tell my parents? how could i ever give my baby the kind of life it deserves? why did i do this? how can i fix this?... so many questions. and no answers. i could barely think. all i knew was that i would need my family. no matter what happened, i knew that they loved me and would help me in any way they were able to.

so i moved home. my parents were very supportive and loving. they knew that i needed their help and love and they willingly gave it to me. i will forever be grateful to them for how much they did for me during that time. i hope that one day i can repay them... but i can't forget my siblings. they are amazing and kept me entertained and busy during the pregnancy. they played games with me, watched movies with me, hugged me, told me they loved me, and were just there for me. i worried alot that they would be mad at me when i told them that i was pregnant. i felt like i had my entire family down. i still feel that way, to be honest. but they were so gracious about everything. they accepted my decision to place my baby for adoption and let me know over and over that they loved me.

i had always thought to myself that if i ever did get pregnant before i got married (not that i would), that i would give my baby up for adoption. i knew that i wouldn't be able to give it the kind of life that it deserved. i had a plan. but i never thought that i would ever have to use this plan. now that i knew that i would have to, i didn't want to. i wanted to keep my baby so bad. i already loved it more than life itself and i wanted to be it's mommy. but because i loved it more than life itself, i knew that i had to give it more. it deserved a daddy and a stable life. both were things that i couldn't give it. so the more that i thought about it, the firmer my decision was. i would place my baby for adoption. but i would enjoy being pregnant while i could, because i knew that this would be the closest i would ever be to my little girl.

being pregnant is definitely no picnic. but i'd be lying if i said i didn't love it. sure there were aches, pains, weird cravings (mine was watermelon pancakes... lol), daily emotional roller coasters and let's not forget the biggest part... getting big! it was a love/hate thing, getting huge. i loved knowing that my baby was growing and getting ready to come into this world, but i hated thinking about how gross my stomach would be afterward. it was hard to think about how life would be after i had my baby, so most of the time i didn't allow myself to think about it. anyway, i loved just enjoying this amazing process that my body was going through.

as you can see, i got pretty huge. i felt like i was carrying around 2 watermelons!! but getting bigger meant that my baby was getting ready to come meet me! the excitement and worry that i felt were unlike anything i'd ever felt before. i was so excited to meet my little girl... but i was also so worried that something would go wrong. luckily my worrying was for nothing.

after 36 horrifying and amazing hours of back labor, on April 21st, 2011 at 12:42am, my little Cameron Jennifer Lyle/Gertonson was born. a perfect 9 lbs baby girl. when i first heard her little cries.. my heart was full. i knew that i would love this child more than anything and i wanted to give her the world. she was my baby. my beautiful daughter. nothing would ever change that. she was and still is gorgeous.

a new normal

i know it's been so long since i've posted. and so much has happened. i feel like my life has turned upside down, in quite a few more ways than one...
i'm going to make a list of them. just to remind me of what my next blogs should be about, and to give my readers, if any, a sense of what's to come.

1) i got pregnant and gave life to a gorgeous baby girl.

2) i gave that baby girl a better life by giving her a family, thus giving me the term "birthmother".

3) i am adjusting to said term "birthmother" and learning how to live life in this new normal i have.

4) i have moved back to utah, in hopes of going back to school and finding what i am supposed to be when i grow up.

5) i have a great job which i adore.

6) i am dealing with emotions that i never knew could ever be so strong or powerful.

7) i am blessed. i may forget it at times, but i am so blessed with everything and everyone in my life. i wouldn't trade it for anything.


in this blog i want to thank everyone who has been there for me, hard times or good. the names are too many for me to even start to mention, so i'll just be general. i will forever be grateful to them for all that they have done for me, whether they know it or not.

me... the me i want to be

the past 1o months have been both happy and sad. i've learned so much about myself; what i like and don't like, what boundaries i have, what i want out of life... all thanks to him.

breaking up with someone is hard to do, they say. and i'd agree. but they also say that some of the best decisions you make in life are going to be the hardest. those are the decisions that will mold and shape the rest of your life. and so, i don't look back. i don't regret. i face the future head-on, knowing that this time i'll be the woman i know i am, not the woman he wants me to be.

when we first started dating, i didn't know what i wanted. i didn't know where i wanted to be in the next month, much less the next 5 years. i was "lost" per say. i met him, and he took the reins. he guided me to his side of the train tracks that i was unfamiliar with. he kept me company, saying he loved me, held me, told me that everything was going to be ok. i trusted him. and then he broke my heart... he told me he was sorry, that he only wanted me. i believed him, like a fool. this went on for months. i noticed things that should have worried me. my family, my friends, were all afraid for me. said that he's not what i want.. that he's not what i need. i didn't believe them. i thought i knew best.

and now i know that he's not what i wanted, not at all what i needed. he covered a spot in my life that i should have looked for myself. but in many ways he has helped me. without him, i wouldn't know that i hate waking up to cigarette smoke. i wouldn't know that i NEED someone who shares my beliefs and my goals. i wouldn't know that i actually hate the smell of coffee. lol he has his good points, sure. but what guy doesn't? he made me question life, and i have come out stronger on the other side for it.

i don't regret a thing i did with him. he brought out a side of me that's more stubborn in getting what i want and need, and a side that thinks about decisions before i make them. i needed that. so i am grateful to him. i wish he knew that. i wonder if he ever will.